Nonviolent Communication

I first picked up this book a few months ago. I saw it recommended somewhere (probably some article in the hacker news) where I became interested in the model. Here are some things I think are behind my liking of it:

• My passion for taking things contained in my brain and accuratley copying them into the brains of others.
• My belief that good and efficient communication is key to any relationship.
• A considerable amount of suggestions the book makes I was already practicing. This was reasurring. It also provided greater structure and purpose in these ‘habits’.
• …?

This book uses the term violent very liberally (or broadly) when compared to my experience. It has very little to do with phisicallity. I do not share this use in my daily life out of fear of getting called out for ‘exagerating’. This is conflicting because I also agree with this use. Even though the book does not provide a ‘solid’ definition for violent I would phrase it as “lacking care for others(?)”.

Violent: lacking of compassion.

After establishing that point the book then argues that by focusing our attention compassionately on ourselves and others throughout interactions we inevitably remove violence minimizing conflicts and thus enabling a more optimal realization of out goals (both as in “they are realized” and as in “we can better realize what they even are”).
The following chapters then describe (what I would call) a communication framework that is almost compassionate by default (if followed correctly). The framework is roughly:

1. Establishing observations
2. Communicating feelings
3. Identifying needs (that generally gave origin to the feelings).
4. Producing requests

I’ve found the most value in 1, 2 and 3. It’s given me a simpler way to understand myself when focusing on me and a powerful way to empathize with others when focused outward.

It is crucial to focus this atenttion in others as well as in ourselves.

Future self-reference

Chapter 2: Compassion-blocking communication (nvc anti-patterns)

Language often makes it easy to fall into these anti-patterns ()

• Moralistic Judgements
  • Moralistic: “{who} is {what}”
    “Imply wrongness or badness on part of those who don’t act in harmony with our values”
    • She’s lazy
    • He deserves it
    • It is inappropiate
  • Value: “I value {something}”
  • Moralistic != Value judgements
• Comparisons: a form of judgement (*I think the book does a poor job of explaining why this is the case.)
• Denial of responsibility: separation of the self from one’s thoughts, feelings and actions.
  • He made me angry
  • I had no choice but to…
• Communicating desires as demands: It’s not optimal to get others to do as you say out of guilt/shame/fear about not meeting one’s demands. (Not compassionate)

Chapter 3: Observing without evaluating

Observations are generally simple, objective statements about events specific to a time and a context.
Some observation-evaluation language anti-patterns are:

• Verb to be without indication that evaluator takes responsibility for the evaluation
• Verbs with evaluative connotations
• Implication that one’s inferences about others are the only ones possible
• Confusion of prediction with certainty
• Failure to be speecific about referents (generalization)
• Use of words denoting ability without indication that an evaluation is being made
• Adverbs and adjectives that do not indicate an evaluation being made.

Chapter 4: Feelings

• Failure to express feelings can block empathy and compassion
• Our language and our use of language itself are often sub-optimal or often confusing when expressing feelings
• Traditionally: expressing feelings = vulnerability = weakness/shame

The feel language anti-pattern

It is common to use the word feel to refer to talk about everything but feelings. This can be confusing for the purpose of clearly communicating feelings. In such sentences the word feel can often be replaced with the word think.
Distinguishing feelings from thoughts is important to communicate feelings clearly.
Some feel language anti-patterns are:

• I feel + that, as if, like
• I feel + I, they, them, it
• I feel + person/entity is…

And the very insidious case with words that evaluate other’s behaviors towards us: list of these words

Big lists of feelings

• List of feelings we are likely to feel when out needs are met
• List of feelings we are likely to feel when out needs are NOT met

Chapter 5: Responsibility for our feelings (Needs)

Feelings = our model of reality + stimuli
Needs/Expectations being met produce some feelings. Needs/Expectations NOT being met produce some other feelings.
Identifying needs behind feelings is key. Communicating feelings closely related to needs is optimal.

Chapter 6: Requests (not demands)

• Care not to make demands (by looking at what hapens if others fulfill or don’t fulfill our demands).
  • Indicate desire for them to comply only willingly
• Use positive language (say what we do want, not what we don’t want)
• Be specific about things we want
• Be clear about the response we expect

Chapter 7: Giving empathy

Listen for observations, feelings, needs and requests.
Reflect back to check for understanding.